Fuck You

Thanks for the 57% tip, Mr. Fuck You!

Please

This isn't a credit card slip, but it appropriately fits in this blog.  This gem is found at an Irish bar in Uptown Minneapolis. Apparently the bar manager's sister made this and sent it to him before they opened.  

Definitely the most polite way I've seen someone ask customers not to snort blow off the back of their toilets.  Thanks for the tip!

The Money Shot

Seriously, how do people in our society find it socially acceptable to draw something like this and hand it to another person and think nothing of it.  I'm mean for fuck's sake. Here's a close-up in case it's not graphic enough for you.  I think the vagina is even meowing. Guarantee you the fuck who drew this even said "haha, get it? pussy"  Again, tell me another industry where it would be socially acceptable for someone to draw this on a piece of paper and hand it to another human being.  Do you think Pete in his cubicle could draw this and drop it off on he coworker Sandy's desk? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

Go home America, you're drunk.

Sorry :(

I think of the South Park episode on the BP oil spill every time I look at this one. I imagine this customer on a bearskin rug saying, "Sorry."
Seriously, if you're not going to tip, just don't tip. Writing "sorry" because you're an asshole who says they "don't have money to tip" doesn't make the server feel any better.  If you don't have money to go out, don't fucking go out.  Or go to a coffee shop, asshole.  I don't feel sympathy for you, if anything I'm more pissed because you are aware of the fact that you didn't tip and know better.

More "Art"

They took the time to draw something rather elaborate at the top of this receipt but couldn't take the time to tip more than 5 on 36. Go home, you dirty hippie.

Thy For You Ptneru?

We eventually deciphered this as saying: "Thanks for your patience."

Dear drunk girl, go fuck yourself.

You Know Who You Look Like?....

I get this question a lot. Usually I can see the resemblance of the person the customer is comparing me to, other times, I don't.  This credit card slip was given to a jolly ginger friend of mine (he's more like a day walker really).  He is medium height, medium build with a bright red beard and long bright red hair. Kinda like this:

(Best photo found using the search term "Bearded Ginger")

So when he got  "You know who you look just like? Peter Gabriel" he was rather taken aback.  

My friend even went so far as to disagree with the customer.  He in turn came up to me and told me and I nearly lost my shit on the floor because I could't comprehend such an absurd comparison.  I even asked my friend if this guy even knew what Peter Gabriel looked like and he assured me that he did.  He went so far as to say he looks like Gabriel when him and Genesis put out "Fox Trot."  Okay then, here are pictures of Peter Gabriel at that time:

Jesus fucking Christ.  The hair alone would make me a bit infuriated if anyone compared me to Gabriel at that specific point in his career.  I literally cannot find even one comparison between Peter Gabriel and my ginger friend. And not only that, he proceeded to talk about the album "Fox Trot" for the rest of the duration of his time at the fine establishment he was dining at.  Not only that....

The Return of Drippy Nips.

She's just not a tit mood tonight, you guys.  Either she remembers drawing the drippy tits the last time she was in or she just draws drippy tits at every place she goes to.  All that matters is she's in a dick mood tonight and that's okay because she tipped 5 on 18.70.

So Many Dick Pics.

This one is extremely blurry, but to the left of the penis they wrote "I tip cash" in the tip line.

Cumt

I got this one from a bartender friend of mine.  She got this one a couple years ago while serving at restaurant that only serves craft beer. This is the story she emailed me: " Written with my pen on a beer menu, this girl was so emphatic she had to double up her letters making it look like cumt instead of cunt. She asked me for a blue moon, which of course we didn't carry. I brought her two samples, both of which I pointed out on the menu. She drank two. When it came time to pay, she was pissed because she thought they were $6 instead of $7. Sorry bitch. I pointed to them on the menu. With the prices. When I didn't take $2 bucks off her bill, she retaliated. I'm so glad you think it's appropriate to call a total stranger a cunt over $2, because you either can't read or can't do basic arithmetic."

Tell me another industry where people find it socially acceptable to call another human being a cunt. People like the girl who wrote this are why servers and bartenders tend to grow a bit cynical and jaded throughout the years.  If you had to deal with this fucking bullshit day in and day out and just have to suck it up and accept it, you'd probably be a bit bitter as well.
What really gets me is that the effin prices were even listed on the menu and yet somehow it is the server's fault she didn't pay what she wanted to?  And to get that angry over $2.00. Read your fucking menu, cumt.

 I've been noticing this more and more lately, customers seemingly refusing to read their menus.  They ask you every fucking question under the sun about an item on the menu without actually looking at the menu.  You ask me a question after you read your god damn menu.  Don't ask me if the fucking Chicken Salad has tomatoes in it without reading the fucking menu that tells you it has fucking tomatoes in it.  It's like the home brewers who come in and ask you every possible question about a certain microbrew you carry, asking you where the hops are grown.   How the fuck should I know? We carry the beer, we don't make it. You know who would know that, the internet. That's on your fancy fucking phone right in front of you.  Try looking it up yourself you lazy piece of shit. I'm here to server you food and alcohol, not give a fucking lecture on the various strands of hops out there for brewers to use.

Customer Artwork

"Elsa" loves shots and that cat standing by her legs is meowing and telling her to fuck off.  

I think this customer has some personal issues to figure out

Huzzah!

Help?

When you first look at this you notice some boobies. Yay, boobies! However, when you get to the bottom, things get a wee bit more creepy. I got this receipt from a friend of a coworker. Mind you, I did not know this person other than a “hello.” So, not only does the line at the bottom make one feel uncomfortable, if you notice to the right there's a “winky face” letting you know they are “Just Kidding.” However, saying you are just kidding and winking at the same time makes me think that you aren't really kidding and now I live in fear every day.... JK ;)  

You Are A Wizard!

One of my biggest pet-peeves when I'm serving is when someone tries to hit on me.  Guess what, I'm working. It's especially annoying when said Don Juan is hammered.  Guess what, I'm sober....for the most part. Then there are the people who are too shy to say something to you when they're at the table and instead leave their number and a message after they leave   But I have to admit, I find this one adorable.  In case you can't read it, the customer wrote "You are a wizard! Tell me your secrets!" and left his name and number.  This is nice because this person isn't just hitting on them, they are complimenting them at their profession...which it is, a profession.  And they are also expressing a part of their personality...and, tipping above 20%.  I always find it hilarious when someone leaves me their number but tips less than 18%.  If you ever want a server or bartender to actually call you, don't do that...just an f.y.i.  Unfortunately the bartender who received this note is married, but it still made her day and that's what counts.

Sorry For Being A Dick

Hey guy, I don't know what you did to this poor server or bartender, but if you were truly sorry you would tip more than 18%. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this particular customer was shit-faced when they signed their credit card slip...that or they are just learning how to write and do math, yay.  After looking at it longer, it seems that the person who filled out the credit card slip is not the same person who wrote the message on the bottom.  I feel like maybe the person who filled out the slip is a complete fucking douchebag  who happens to have a girlfriend or wife that knows he's an asshole but wouldn't dare say something to him...instead, she'll just write a note because she thinks that will make everything better.  It happens all the time, an asshole is at the table and other people feel the need to apologize for their "friend."  I just don't understand why people hang out with assholes if they know they are assholes and constantly going to act like an asshole when they are out with them.  After awhile, I think it would get rather embarrassing, but maybe they just become too desensitized or really hate confrontation.  I'm definitely over analyzing this one.

Two Dollars Fucking Dollars :)

Apologies for the blurriness. In case you can't read the tip line it says "2.00 fuckin' dollars."
I can't tell if this person is pissed because they feel socially obligated to tip appropriately because it's the "right thing to do." Maybe the server forgot his or her side of mayo or that extra lemon for their water and  maybe the customer never said anything because, you know, "Minnesota Nice":and maybe they don't necessarily want to do it but gosh darnit they are going to play by society's rules. Or, this person is drunk and thought they were funny.  I can see that smiley face near the bottom being friendly or passive-aggressive.