Cumt

I got this one from a bartender friend of mine.  She got this one a couple years ago while serving at restaurant that only serves craft beer. This is the story she emailed me: " Written with my pen on a beer menu, this girl was so emphatic she had to double up her letters making it look like cumt instead of cunt. She asked me for a blue moon, which of course we didn't carry. I brought her two samples, both of which I pointed out on the menu. She drank two. When it came time to pay, she was pissed because she thought they were $6 instead of $7. Sorry bitch. I pointed to them on the menu. With the prices. When I didn't take $2 bucks off her bill, she retaliated. I'm so glad you think it's appropriate to call a total stranger a cunt over $2, because you either can't read or can't do basic arithmetic."

Tell me another industry where people find it socially acceptable to call another human being a cunt. People like the girl who wrote this are why servers and bartenders tend to grow a bit cynical and jaded throughout the years.  If you had to deal with this fucking bullshit day in and day out and just have to suck it up and accept it, you'd probably be a bit bitter as well.
What really gets me is that the effin prices were even listed on the menu and yet somehow it is the server's fault she didn't pay what she wanted to?  And to get that angry over $2.00. Read your fucking menu, cumt.

 I've been noticing this more and more lately, customers seemingly refusing to read their menus.  They ask you every fucking question under the sun about an item on the menu without actually looking at the menu.  You ask me a question after you read your god damn menu.  Don't ask me if the fucking Chicken Salad has tomatoes in it without reading the fucking menu that tells you it has fucking tomatoes in it.  It's like the home brewers who come in and ask you every possible question about a certain microbrew you carry, asking you where the hops are grown.   How the fuck should I know? We carry the beer, we don't make it. You know who would know that, the internet. That's on your fancy fucking phone right in front of you.  Try looking it up yourself you lazy piece of shit. I'm here to server you food and alcohol, not give a fucking lecture on the various strands of hops out there for brewers to use.

Customer Artwork

"Elsa" loves shots and that cat standing by her legs is meowing and telling her to fuck off.  

I think this customer has some personal issues to figure out

Huzzah!

Help?

When you first look at this you notice some boobies. Yay, boobies! However, when you get to the bottom, things get a wee bit more creepy. I got this receipt from a friend of a coworker. Mind you, I did not know this person other than a “hello.” So, not only does the line at the bottom make one feel uncomfortable, if you notice to the right there's a “winky face” letting you know they are “Just Kidding.” However, saying you are just kidding and winking at the same time makes me think that you aren't really kidding and now I live in fear every day.... JK ;)  

You Are A Wizard!

One of my biggest pet-peeves when I'm serving is when someone tries to hit on me.  Guess what, I'm working. It's especially annoying when said Don Juan is hammered.  Guess what, I'm sober....for the most part. Then there are the people who are too shy to say something to you when they're at the table and instead leave their number and a message after they leave   But I have to admit, I find this one adorable.  In case you can't read it, the customer wrote "You are a wizard! Tell me your secrets!" and left his name and number.  This is nice because this person isn't just hitting on them, they are complimenting them at their profession...which it is, a profession.  And they are also expressing a part of their personality...and, tipping above 20%.  I always find it hilarious when someone leaves me their number but tips less than 18%.  If you ever want a server or bartender to actually call you, don't do that...just an f.y.i.  Unfortunately the bartender who received this note is married, but it still made her day and that's what counts.

Sorry For Being A Dick

Hey guy, I don't know what you did to this poor server or bartender, but if you were truly sorry you would tip more than 18%. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this particular customer was shit-faced when they signed their credit card slip...that or they are just learning how to write and do math, yay.  After looking at it longer, it seems that the person who filled out the credit card slip is not the same person who wrote the message on the bottom.  I feel like maybe the person who filled out the slip is a complete fucking douchebag  who happens to have a girlfriend or wife that knows he's an asshole but wouldn't dare say something to him...instead, she'll just write a note because she thinks that will make everything better.  It happens all the time, an asshole is at the table and other people feel the need to apologize for their "friend."  I just don't understand why people hang out with assholes if they know they are assholes and constantly going to act like an asshole when they are out with them.  After awhile, I think it would get rather embarrassing, but maybe they just become too desensitized or really hate confrontation.  I'm definitely over analyzing this one.

Two Dollars Fucking Dollars :)

Apologies for the blurriness. In case you can't read the tip line it says "2.00 fuckin' dollars."
I can't tell if this person is pissed because they feel socially obligated to tip appropriately because it's the "right thing to do." Maybe the server forgot his or her side of mayo or that extra lemon for their water and  maybe the customer never said anything because, you know, "Minnesota Nice":and maybe they don't necessarily want to do it but gosh darnit they are going to play by society's rules. Or, this person is drunk and thought they were funny.  I can see that smiley face near the bottom being friendly or passive-aggressive.

The Tale of Drippy Nips

This is the story of a girl; a girl named Drippy Nips.  Are her boobs crying tears of joy or sadness? 

 Not only are there drippy nips at the top of the receipt, at the bottom is something that appears to be a shovel, (or possibly a penis with an acute case of Elephantiasis, post circumcision).  Also, to the right of the shovel/penis is some incoherent writing that they decided to scribble away as if they second guessed whatever it is they wrote, regardless of the fact of whether or not they remember drawing lactating nipples on the top of the receipt just moments before.  What could they have possibly written after drawing tits on their receipt that they decided "hey, you know what? I shouldn't write that on a credit card receipt."  I also wonder if the dripping boobs are "making it rain" in this person's mind, as they left a very hospitable tip for their bartender.  Possibly it was the combination of Kettle One martinis and shots of Jameson that created this masterpiece, lined with some fucked up childhood issues that no one would dare ask about.  Maybe I'm trying to analyze this one much more than need be.  Either way, Drippy Nips is one of my favorites.